Is It Safe To Come Out Yet?

I’ve been hiding in the basement in an attempt to avoid swine H1N1 flu. What really scared me and forced me into seclusion was the following memo I received from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Since it was on the internet and appeared to have the CDC logo, I assumed it was 100% accurate.

ATTENTION ALL CITIZENS: EMERGENCY HEALTH BULLETIN!

The World Health Organization (WHO) has declared Swine Flu to be a level 5 risk. The response to a Level 5 outbreak is complete panic, supplemented by paranoia and failure to give the risk any context in relation to other disease threats routinely faced. Here is a quick FAQ followed by tips for survival.

FAQ

1.     What is Swine Flu?

Swine Flu is like regular flu, but a thousand times worse because it has swine DNA mixed into it, so the moment you contract it, you not only have the deadly flu to deal with, but also the introduction of porcine DNA into your bloodstream.

2.     Isn’t it true that Swine Flu has not proven to be more deadly than regular flu in he United States?

Yes. So? This is Swine Flu, ok? This is an advanced flu never before faced. The fact that it is not killing people in the United States is no reason not to panic. It could be allowing survival simply to mask its rapid spread before it unleashes itself all at once at midnight on the night of the full moon, as foretold in Mayan prophecies.

3.     Should I take reasonable and ordinary precautions against contracting Swine Flu?

No! The only reasonable response is complete panic. The fact that Swine Flu is dominating the news cycle tells you how dangerous this is. This will make Avian Flu and SARS massacres that happened in the United States look like non-events! In the time you take to read this alert, the flu will have spread even further. It is coming, and it is coming for you.

Tips For Survival

It is unlikely that you will survive. But you have a chance, if you are smarter, craftier, and sharper than your soon to be dead neighbors. Here’s how to do it:

  1. Avoid planes, trains, subways and cars with more than one person in them.
  2. Avoid buildings with people in them. Don’t even think about getting on an elevator. Take the stairs, but only when the coast is clear.
  3. Buy supplies at night, when other people are sleeping. Beware the daywalkers, who move about in sunlight despite being infected.
  4. Quarantine everyone, including yourself. Segregate your home into individual sealed cleanrooms and allow one person per chamber. Communication should be by text or cell only.
  5. After you wear an outfit, burn it. Wear a new one each day. Do not allow the virus to gain a foothold in the loose weave of used clothing.
  6. Completely cease any interaction with society. If possible, relocate to a remote area of the Montana forest lands, or to the South Dakota Badlands where you can see the infected coming.
  7. Despite all your efforts, the infected will come for you. As they do, you are likely to meet a few (two or three) other intrepid survivors. Join with them to fight the infected.
  8. If any person in your small group of survivors is bitten by the infected, or in any way has the blood of the infected enter their mouth or an open wound, kill that person immediately. They will be infected and will attack you without mercy or feeling once the virus takes over.
  9. Remember, this is a Level 5 virus. If you make it to a safe house, you will proceed to Level 6. The virus will be at its toughest, and you may have to face infected with special powers, but if you make it past Level 6 you will be rescued and the pandemic will be over
  10. I can write nothing else. They have come for me. Good luck and remember survival of the human race depends of y… Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Silly isn’t it? While we are getting all worked up over Swine (H1N1) Flu, thousands of people have already died from seasonal flu. In fact, on average, seasonal flu kills 36,000 Americans each year. Worldwide, 250,000 – 500,000 people die of seasonal flu annually. Approximately three times per century, a pandemic occurs, killing a million or more. The Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918-1920 killed anywhere from 70 million to 100 million people. Other pandemics include the Asian Flu in 1957-1958 which killed 1-1.5 million worldwide (70,000 in the US) and the Hong Kong Flu of 1968-1969 which killed 750,000 to 1 million worldwide (34,000 in the US). Currently, 44 deaths have been confirmed in Mexico and 2 in the United States. For a grand total of 46 deaths. Forty-six.

Of course, the main stream media reports exhaustively on the latest developments, going so far as to report on the panic that they themselves have helped create. Our government officials are no better. Vice President Biden announced that he would avoid buses, subways and other enclosed places. Brilliant. Let’s all avoid mass transit and car-pooling and instead drive individually. This way we can marginally lower our risk of catching the flu and greatly increase our chances of being killed in a car crash.

I can’t help but wonder if this hysteria is simply a way for the media to avoid reporting on something else going on that is really important, say high level government officials’ involvement in torture?

Nah, couldn’t be. It must be the fever talking.

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